The Talking Dog & the Scare-Squatch

Under a full southern Kentucky moon, off the banks of the Cumberland River and among the soybean fields, a creaking two-tone peppermint Volkswagen bus rolled to a halt. The stirring dust settled around the vehicle and the headlights flicked off. The side door swung open and the gang filed out.

First out of the van was Chet, the sort-of-leader of the group. He had dropped out of school three summers ago to work at the bowling alley in town on account of high-school being for squares. His twentieth birthday was next week, but he still hung out with a bunch of sophomores and freshmen, and they hung out with him because he bought them cigarettes and gave them rides.

Behind him, Kelsey hopped out. She had just turned 15 and told her parents a white lie that she was going to an after school function. Mom and dad, who were quite keen on the idea of being alone, insisted that if she went, she ought to bring her kid brother Stanley with them. And so Stanley was quietly in attendance as well.

Jack, who sat behind Kelsey in geography class, was behind Kelsey and Stanley getting out of the van. On weekends, Jack busted suds and took out the trash in the kitchen at Alley Cat Lane. That was the bowling alley, and how he knew Chet. Chet had mentioned to him something about a scarecrow that haunted the fields, or maybe it was a Sasquatch. Admittedly, Chet had been very vague about the details, but Jack couldn't resist! He had quite an affinity for the occult.

Finally, the last one out was Kevin, and Kevin was the real reason why Chet had talked Jack out into this rural spat of farm land. He knew that if he could get Jack, Kevin would come along, and Kev was a real sleuth. He had put at least a dozen mysteries to rest and testified twice in court! There wasn't a mystery in town this old gumshoe couldn't solve. Only this gumshoe didn't chew gum or wear shoes. He had a tail and liked to sniff trash cans. Kevin was a dog.

“Can we go home,” Stanley said, holding on to his sister’s hand.

“Go home, we just got here!” Jack said excitedly. Kelsey reassured her brother but it fell on deaf ears. Chet slid the door shut behind Kevin and locked the door. “So, you think the scare-squatch is somewhere in this field?” Jack said pryingly.

Chet turned to face Jack, “Yeah, I saw it somewhere around there, I think.”

“A scare-squatch. . .” Kelsey said quietly, “woah.” Stan started complaining to his sister quietly.

“I’ve read about scarecrows being cross bred with Sasquatch many times,” Kevin said confidently. His tail began to wag, “It was a provision of Operation Paperclip. The United States government sought to design such a beast to combat the Soviet peasantry to disrupt the food supply for the Kremlin. I called every expert on the matter that I knew after Jack told me about what you said you’d seen, Chet.”

Chet had never heard of Operation Paperclip, and he didn’t understand the implications of deploying an agrarian beast against farmers. Frankly, Chet had made up everything and kept purposefully quiet during the ride. “Right,” he said cautiously.

“What’s a Soviet,” Stanley asked.

Kevin walked near the edge of the road and looked out across the flat soybean fields. In the distance, frogs were croaking along the muddy bank of the Cumberland River that flowed silently towards Tennessee. “If you’re right about this, Chet, we could have our own show on the History Channel.”

Jack approached his golden lab and stroked his head, “You think so Kevin?”

Kevin nodded, “I do. All the data I saw suggests so, but it’s a crepuscular beast, so we don’t have all night, Chet!”

The group formed a semi circle around Chet and awaited his direction. Jack had produced chunky flash lights for everyone from an adventure backpack he’d brought with. Chet looked back at them all and turned towards the field and began walking through the soil of the soybean crops. “This way,” he said, meekly.

Dropping out of school had been the best decision Chet had made, at the time. There were no more teachers or tests. However, time lurched along and his cool grown-up friends he would pal around with eventually left for city jobs that he was too young for. Chet was alone, and life began setting in. His old man made him get a job, and then three years later he was still working at the bowling alley handing out shoes. It was honest work, but it was dead work, and he felt as if he was dying. Jack’s dog seemed to have all the answers though. Maybe if he could get Kevin alone, he could make off with him and start a new life Kevin. Surely the golden lab would know what to do.

“We must be getting close, I smell skunk ape,” Kevin said with his snout to the earth. The rest of the group excitedly chattered amongst themselves.

“I heard the Scare-Squatch eats paper clips and Soviets just for fun!” Jack said, misunderstanding his trusty dog. Stanley moaned in protest.

“I heard he collects paper clips!” Kelsey cluelessly added.

Kevin might not like it at first, as a dog is man’s best friend, and his master was Jack, but surely the idea was not as bad as it seemed now they were out walking through farmland. Cold feet, Chet was thinking. Sure, the idea seemed idiotic, but Kevin in time would have to come around. Wouldn’t he? What if Kevin didn’t? What if Kevin didn’t know what to tell Chet to do with his life? What if he just ended up handing out shoes at some other town’s bowling alley.

“Dear god,” Kevin said sharply.

The group stopped dead in their tracks. Chet, consumed by his thoughts, continued on several more paces.

There was the beast.